Just in case I want to make Steamed Hams and forget how to
Serves 2
Ingredients:
-One big 'ol chuck roast
-Salt and pepper
-Carrots
-Potatoes
-Onions
-Garlic
-Any other vegetables you wish to add
-High proof liquor (Everclear, Bacardi 151, or any Vodka will do. It just needs to have a high alcohol content)
-Beef broth
-Sunflower oil
-Sliced bacon
-Flour
-Crushed Doritos (optional)
-$30
Steps:
1. Pour a whole bunch of oil in a large pot or dutch oven
2. Cut up yer veggies
3. Put some beef broth in the pot
4. Add your cut vegetables to the pot with the broth and oil
5. Season your big 'ol chuck roast with salt and pepper (feel free to add any seasoning you wish
6. Place the chuck roast in the pot
7. Pour a generous amount of hard proof liquor in the pot, especially on the roast itself
8. Pour some more oil on top of the roast
9. Eh, let's add some more liquor, just in case
10. Place the bacon in the broth in the pot
11. Sprinkle flour and crushed Doritos on top of the whole thing.
12. Set oven to the highest possible heat setting
13. Place the pot in the oven
14. Answer the door
15. Tell your guest that you hope they're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon
16. Wait until the roast catches fire. IMPORTANT: Do not call 911 or put the fire out, just leave it.
17. Complain that your roast is ruined
18. Come up with the idea to purchase fast food and disguise it as your own cooking
19. Call the idea delightfully devilish
20. Attempt to exit via the window as your guest enters the kitchen.
21. Listen to the jingle
22. Claim you are stretching your calves on the window. Isometric exercise. Ask if your guest would care to join you.
23. Claim the smoke coming out of your oven isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed clams you're having. Mmm. Steamed clams.
24. When your guest leaves the kitchen, exit via the window and walk to the nearest Krusty Burger (or Burger King is Krusty Burger is not available in your area)
25. Use the $30 to order four Krusty Burgers (or Whoppers) and a large french fry.
26. Return with your food
27. Plate the four burgers on a platter on top of a bed of french fries.
28. Enter your dining room with the food and tell your guest you hope they're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers
29. Claim you said steamed hams, which is what you call hamburgers
30. Claim it's a regional dialect
31. Say the region is Upstate New York
32. Specify that it's not from Utica, no, it's an Albany expression
33. When your guest says the hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger (or Burger King), say that they're patented "your surname"burgers, an old family recipe
34. When your guest questions that it's for steamed hams, reply "yes"
35. When your guest points out that you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they're obviously grilled, excuse yourself to go to the kitchen
36. Immediately return to the dining room because your kitchen should be on fire at this point.
37. Claim that was wonderful, a good time was had by all, and that you're pooped
38. When your guest questions what's going on in the kitchen, say it's aurora borealis
39. When your guest questions that it's aurora borealis, at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen, just say yes
40. When your guest asks to see it, say no
41. Tell your mother it's just the northern lights
42. Once your guest calls you an odd fellow, but then says you steam a good ham, wait for him to leave. Give him a reasuuring thumbs up gesture when he looks back when he hears your mother screaming for help.
43. Wait for the firetruck.
There you have it! You've made Steamed Hams!
Serves 2
Ingredients:
-One big 'ol chuck roast
-Salt and pepper
-Carrots
-Potatoes
-Onions
-Garlic
-Any other vegetables you wish to add
-High proof liquor (Everclear, Bacardi 151, or any Vodka will do. It just needs to have a high alcohol content)
-Beef broth
-Sunflower oil
-Sliced bacon
-Flour
-Crushed Doritos (optional)
-$30
Steps:
1. Pour a whole bunch of oil in a large pot or dutch oven
2. Cut up yer veggies
3. Put some beef broth in the pot
4. Add your cut vegetables to the pot with the broth and oil
5. Season your big 'ol chuck roast with salt and pepper (feel free to add any seasoning you wish
6. Place the chuck roast in the pot
7. Pour a generous amount of hard proof liquor in the pot, especially on the roast itself
8. Pour some more oil on top of the roast
9. Eh, let's add some more liquor, just in case
10. Place the bacon in the broth in the pot
11. Sprinkle flour and crushed Doritos on top of the whole thing.
12. Set oven to the highest possible heat setting
13. Place the pot in the oven
14. Answer the door
15. Tell your guest that you hope they're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon
16. Wait until the roast catches fire. IMPORTANT: Do not call 911 or put the fire out, just leave it.
17. Complain that your roast is ruined
18. Come up with the idea to purchase fast food and disguise it as your own cooking
19. Call the idea delightfully devilish
20. Attempt to exit via the window as your guest enters the kitchen.
21. Listen to the jingle
22. Claim you are stretching your calves on the window. Isometric exercise. Ask if your guest would care to join you.
23. Claim the smoke coming out of your oven isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed clams you're having. Mmm. Steamed clams.
24. When your guest leaves the kitchen, exit via the window and walk to the nearest Krusty Burger (or Burger King is Krusty Burger is not available in your area)
25. Use the $30 to order four Krusty Burgers (or Whoppers) and a large french fry.
26. Return with your food
27. Plate the four burgers on a platter on top of a bed of french fries.
28. Enter your dining room with the food and tell your guest you hope they're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers
29. Claim you said steamed hams, which is what you call hamburgers
30. Claim it's a regional dialect
31. Say the region is Upstate New York
32. Specify that it's not from Utica, no, it's an Albany expression
33. When your guest says the hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger (or Burger King), say that they're patented "your surname"burgers, an old family recipe
34. When your guest questions that it's for steamed hams, reply "yes"
35. When your guest points out that you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they're obviously grilled, excuse yourself to go to the kitchen
36. Immediately return to the dining room because your kitchen should be on fire at this point.
37. Claim that was wonderful, a good time was had by all, and that you're pooped
38. When your guest questions what's going on in the kitchen, say it's aurora borealis
39. When your guest questions that it's aurora borealis, at this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen, just say yes
40. When your guest asks to see it, say no
41. Tell your mother it's just the northern lights
42. Once your guest calls you an odd fellow, but then says you steam a good ham, wait for him to leave. Give him a reasuuring thumbs up gesture when he looks back when he hears your mother screaming for help.
43. Wait for the firetruck.
There you have it! You've made Steamed Hams!
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